Natalie Portman, perhaps jerked-off to by more hip graphic designers than any other female or at least tied with Scar-Jo. My Portman time-line goes like this :
Didn’t give a shit, went to Harvard still didn’t give a shit, plays a stripper in a movie where Clive Owen is real cool and things start getting interesting, watch Garden State and think it’s a horror movie, V is for Who Gives a Shit? Back to being not interested, and then Rushmore licked her ass on iTunes or something. Notice Star Warzzzzz isn’t mentioned.
Verdict - Hot chick who is jerked off to for Shins, Veganism, Comic Book and Star Wars affiiations. Things that don’t interest me. I don’t have a fantasy of turning her onto the new Shit Wolf record while we eat Pepper Seitan Skewers overlooking the Brooklyn water front but she’s a million times cooler than Jennifer Anuston or something.
Recently she’s been hanging with Devendra and that was too close to the gene pool for me. If she wants to pork shitty Hollyweird dudes or go to Moby shows fine but dating a mildly talented long haired bearded guy actually is frustrating. I want to write her off as the annoyingly hot pre-cursor to Juno but when she’s dating a Venezuelan douche who plays Tyrannosaurus Rex covers shirtless with paint on his chest I really feel like someone got over on me. Devendra is essentially your annoying “finding himself” trustfund guy that’s someone’s roommate that you don’t really like, too close to home. It’s the tortured artist version of the kiss ass male airhead dude in the office getting the promotion you wanted and then trying to give you a high five.
I wrote Nat off another Pitchforker and was stressed about how Hip the world has become because a real actress is dating a dude like this, it’s differentt than Winona dating Soul Asylum dude because that dude was never actually cool but in some regards Devendra (a dude I’m negative into) did something cool and original no matter how fake-hippie cultured kid it is. There was something rooted in an interesting idea and culture not a bro with dreads looking for someone to shove.
So the few brain cells I had left were freed up for thinking someone else was mildly cool and attractive. That was until the NY Post came out today and showed Nat getting pissed on by a dog.
This is a win /win.
1. It’s the closest to Piss Porn we’re ever going to get with Ms.Portman, she’s not going to ever be featured on Goldenshowergirls.com and it’s a dog which really ups the sketch factor. Dudes flipping around the paper go “Man she is so cute, I want to play her this song I wrote in Garageband” then they realize she’s covered in dog pee-pee and they feel weird. They have a similar dog but a not-similar girl friend and weird thoughts are going through their passive aggressive project manager brains. “Hmmm..should I give our min-pin Sebastian too much water tonight and maybe he’ll piss on my super annoying girlfriend?…is that legal?”
2. Her hippie weenie broseph dude is next to her watching his chick get pissed on by some shitty little groomed dog while cameras flash. So yeah his chick is getting pissed on and it’s not by him, it’s not even a human. Sorry homie, you don’t have a gold or plat record but Soul Asylum dude does, Side Show Bob from Counting Crows rolls with more chicks and there isn’t enough acid in the world to change this. Regular dudes win again.
Bonus Points - She’s holding shit too.
Best day ever.
TAGS: A Milli, Brooklyn, clive owen, free, garden state, horror movie, Juno, Natalie Portman, rushmore, shins, vegan
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April 22nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
funny becuase the Professional was on last night. And what about her new film by Wong Kar Wai?
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
She’s way too Jewish—aka media savvy—to allow a cell cam porn to be filmed…so this is as close as we are gonna get to piss porn w/ her for sure!
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:32 am
Her 12 yo boy body was always a bumout to me. Dudes called me a homo because I wasnt into it? She’s essentially the arcade fire of chicks: plenty of dudes are into her, and she might have glimpses of decency, but overall Id rather being thinking about something else….like Bijou Phillips. Her godfather was Andy Warhol, thats legit cool no matter how tight she is with the douche crew of hilton/reid et al. Plus she’s so slammin in Bully.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
i’m guessing what you really mean is that your fantasy (along with many others’) was just “pissed on” by devendra.
at least clive owen isn’t ruined for you.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Met her once - talked to her for an hour - she’s actually polite, funny, cute (kinda has acne or had acne, or some weird skin thing, which was kinda cute oddly) and she complimented me on my shoes and style, which is unusual. Not a fan of her movies other than the Professional, but whatever, she’s 12,000 times more human than Paris, LiLo, Britney and those other craps.
October 26th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
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